Welcome to the world of Steven Wright’s wit and humor! Steven Wright is a renowned American comedian and actor known for his unique style of deadpan delivery and absurd observations. With a career spanning several decades, he has left an indelible mark on the comedy world, inspiring countless comedians and fans alike. His one-liners and dry humor are a testament to his sharp wit and unmatched comedic talent.
On this page, you’ll find a collection of Steven Wright quotes that showcase his unparalleled ability to find humor in the ordinary and the absurd. Whether you’re a fan looking for a dose of laughter or someone seeking inspiration for creative projects, these quotes can be a valuable resource. Feel free to use them in your own work, whether it’s to share on social media, create memes, or simply enjoy the cleverness that defines Steven Wright’s comedy. So, without further ado, let’s dive into the world of Steven Wright’s humor and discover the gems of wisdom and laughter he has to offer.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving. Steven Wright
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’ Steven Wright
How young can you die of old age? Steven Wright
Sometimes I wish my first word was ‘quote,’ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‘end quote.’ Steven Wright
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I’m an idiot. Steven Wright
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don’t get it. Steven Wright
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it. Steven Wright
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Steven Wright
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark. Steven Wright
What’s another word for Thesaurus? Steven Wright
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. Steven Wright
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. Steven Wright
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. Steven Wright
It’s very intense to be in front of a live audience. It’s just an amazing experience. It’s dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It’s electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you’re on this other planet. Steven Wright
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. Steven Wright
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’ Steven Wright
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. Steven Wright
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. Steven Wright
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? Steven Wright
I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography. Steven Wright
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? Steven Wright
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen. Steven Wright
When I was 16… I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because… they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them. Steven Wright
All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand. Steven Wright
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. Steven Wright
I like to reminisce with people I don’t know. Steven Wright
The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me. Steven Wright
I installed a skylight in my apartment… the people who live above me are furious! Steven Wright
I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. Steven Wright
I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night – and I’d dream about it being me. Steven Wright
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you. Steven Wright
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Steven Wright
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast. Steven Wright
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. Steven Wright
It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature. Steven Wright
Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream. Steven Wright
It’s like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules. Steven Wright
I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose. Steven Wright
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. Steven Wright
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’ Steven Wright
My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’ Steven Wright
Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh. Steven Wright
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. Steven Wright
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. Steven Wright
OK, so what’s the speed of dark? Steven Wright
I bought some instant water one time but I didn’t know what to add to it. Steven Wright
I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy. Steven Wright
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’ Steven Wright
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? Steven Wright
I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. Steven Wright
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. Steven Wright
My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out. Steven Wright
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? Steven Wright
What a nice night for an evening. Steven Wright
I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it. Steven Wright
I paint; I draw and paint – I’ve been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy. Steven Wright
Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. Steven Wright
I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. Steven Wright
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. Steven Wright
I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I’m really thinking about. Steven Wright
Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I’m not an improv guy. I’m a writer-guy who presents what he’s written. Steven Wright
I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically. Steven Wright
If God dropped acid, would he see people? Steven Wright
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. Steven Wright
I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking’, but I don’t have that much time. Steven Wright
I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me – to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That’s normally how I perform. That’s how I am. Steven Wright
I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. Steven Wright
They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. Steven Wright
It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature. Steven Wright
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‘What for?’ I said, ‘I’m going to buy some sugar.’ Steven Wright
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, ‘Well, what do you need?’ Steven Wright
Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‘What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!’ Steven Wright
Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal… ‘Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?’ Steven Wright
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home. Steven Wright
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone. Steven Wright
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually. Steven Wright
I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there. Steven Wright
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Steven Wright
I haven’t changed at all. I’m the same as when I was 11. Steven Wright
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? Steven Wright
I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding. Steven Wright
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? Steven Wright
I don’t like politicians, and I don’t like politics. I definitely don’t want to be associated with any of them. Steven Wright
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright
If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses. Steven Wright
If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. Steven Wright
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. Steven Wright
Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it’s dangerous. Steven Wright
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place. Steven Wright
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. Steven Wright
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Steven Wright
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. Steven Wright
There’s something about being in front of a live audience that’s fun. It’s a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can’t get it anywhere else. And I’ve been doing it since I was 23, so it’s part of my being – it’s part of my fabric as a person. Steven Wright
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? Steven Wright
I’m going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia. Steven Wright
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright
I’m used to seeing it, but it’s weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it’s kind of surreal to have one in your house. Steven Wright
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out. Steven Wright
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it. Steven Wright
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. Steven Wright