Welcome to the delightful world of Sarah Millican quotes! Sarah Millican, a beloved British comedian, has a knack for capturing life’s humorous moments with her witty observations and sharp wit. Her unique perspective on everyday situations, relationships, and the quirks of human behavior has endeared her to audiences worldwide. With her endearing charm and quick humor, Millican effortlessly transforms the mundane into the uproariously funny.
Born and raised in South Shields, England, Millican initially worked in a variety of jobs before finding her calling in comedy. Her journey from a clerical job to the stage is a testament to her determination and comedic talent. Since bursting onto the comedy scene, Sarah Millican has become a household name, earning numerous awards and accolades for her stand-up comedy specials, television appearances, and writing.
Below, you’ll find a curated collection of Sarah Millican’s most memorable quotes. Whether you’re looking for a good laugh or some witty insight into life’s absurdities, these quotes are sure to entertain and inspire. Feel free to copy them, pair them with images, or add stylish fonts to enhance their appeal. Let the laughter begin!
All of my stuff is based on personal stories to back up my arguments. It’s not a lecture, it’s still comedy. I think a lot of comics forget that you can have a theme but that it shouldn’t replace the jokes. Sarah Millican
But I do, like proper cooks, have an oven burn on my arm. I ran it under the tap for a couple of minutes but then the biscuits I’d made were cool enough to eat and I had to make a choice. Tiny scar and full belly it is then. Sarah Millican
Podcasts can entertain you in a traffic jam and stop you dying when driving a bit tired. Sarah Millican
Try as I might, I cannot fall asleep before 2am. I sometimes try, putting tea towels over the clocks and forcing myselt to go to bed at 12.30am. I never win. Sarah Millican
If you think how many female comics there are compared to how many male comics there are, I think there are quite a few female comics on the TV. Sarah Millican
There are few things I like more than to see old people twinkling. A shopping centre I frequent has Tea Dance Tuesdays and I regularly pop by to see the over- 60s twirling about to a live band. Sarah Millican
It’s probably a generalisation to say this, but occasionally I’ll see a bloke who laughs only after he’s checked his girlfriend did. I tend to imagine that’s a rocky relationship, to be fair. Sarah Millican
If an audience is watching you and you’re a bloke – it’s the same as if you’re a woman. They’re expecting the same: to be entertained. Sarah Millican
I got married at 22, which, at the time, didn’t seem young. I don’t regret it because you can only make the decisions that feel right at the time, otherwise you’ll just be cautious about everything and that’s no way to live. Sarah Millican
A place I’ve been a fair few times is the Lake District. It has the edge on Paris in that it’s ace. It’s the sort of place I show off to my Aussie mates like I made it or own it or something. I love that I know where to park, where there’s a choice of 30 ice cream flavours, where you can fall asleep on the grass while your friends go for a walk. Sarah Millican
I don’t have a telly in my bedroom. I think the bedroom should be saved for more appropriate things, like sleeping, eating biscuits, sorting through your knicker drawer and, of course, the thing that should only be done with someone you know really well – naps. Sarah Millican
One thing Aussie telly does well is slightly different versions of programmes we’ve made. The trailers for ‘Celebrity Splash’ prove they don’t just pick the good stuff either. Sarah Millican
Survival is something I’ve always managed. To be fair, my parents did the first 16 years without any input from me. I ploughed through many a KitKat, but it was their insistence on vegetables and coats that kept me alive. Sarah Millican
Forgive me but I’ve been tutted at in Paris a fair few times and I still don’t know if it’s because I was wearing Asda jeans or had the temerity to order food in a restaurant. Sarah Millican
I never got up on stage and thought, ‘I’ll wear a flowery top so I can talk about dark evil things,’ but it just so happens that that’s the way I dress. Sarah Millican
I don’t worry about a zombie apocalypse. Mainly because it’s unlikely, but also because I think I’d be pretty good in that type of emergency. Sarah Millican
One thing I love and miss when I’m on the road is company when sitting in front of the box. I love watching telly with my fella. Sarah Millican
Recommendations can be tricky. I’m happy to steer someone towards something ace and away from something rubbish, but my only tool is my opinion. Sarah Millican
Phillip Schofield has always been my primary crush. Sure, I danced in front of the telly when Shakin’ Stevens was on Top of the Pops, but that was because my rudimentary grasp of how telly works made this five-year-old think she could be seen by him. So that was less love, more showing off. Sarah Millican
Because I started doing stand-up relatively late – 29 – someone can shout something at me but it’s not going to be as bad as some of the things I’ve experienced. I’ve lived a bit. Sarah Millican
We all need a big cushiony telly show to fall back on. Like the pair of slippers after you unexpectedly went Christmas shopping in your work shoes. Like the cup of tea when your deadlines are making you cry. Like the hug off someone who matters when it’s cold and you wanted to look nice, not warm. Sarah Millican
The way it works in my family is as follows: they first loosen their grip at 16 when you are encouraged to get a Saturday job. I was clamouring to start earning and had been doing cleaning jobs around the house for small amounts of money for years. Sarah Millican
Sorry, I love the internet. Since I got my cats, I don’t look at clips so much. Like a teenage boy with a real live girlfriend. But I am always sucked into clips of unlikely animal friendships. Sarah Millican
You can’t nap with just anyone. It’s weird. I can honestly say I’ve only napped with six people. Sarah Millican
And bookish people who do their homework and get it in on time and it’s good – they don’t have friends at school. I never really got in the cliques. I didn’t have the right shoes or hair. Sarah Millican
Our little cat comes for a snuggle, then the big cat mews for a stroke and moves a few paces, then another stroke, then another few paces, until we realise he has mewed us into the kitchen where their food bowls are. So they eat, we eat, and then we get on with our days. Sarah Millican
I’ve never been to a school reunion. Mainly because I’m still in touch with my two friends and after them, I only really liked the teachers. I’m pretty sure no one invites teachers to school reunions. Sarah Millican
I might look like somebody who lives next door but I’ve a dark, twisted sense of humour. Sarah Millican
I only started driving lessons because of comedy – before that, there’s be no need. There was a bus from where I lived to where I worked and I had a very obliging, mobile sister. Sarah Millican
People always say that you shouldn’t read reviews at all, or if you do then believe both the good and the bad ones. I just choose to believe the ones that think I’m brilliant. The ones that don’t, well, I just don’t bother with them. Sarah Millican
Pretty much every comic that you see live is going to be slighter ruder, slightly darker and slightly more scary. But there are restrictions when you’re on the telly. I’m not trying to rude it up for live. I just have to restrict myself on the telly. Sarah Millican
Stand-up on the telly is one thing, but seeing it live is something else. There are brilliant comedians playing to rooms above pubs and arts centres around the corner from where you live. And anything could happen at a live gig. Sarah Millican
An audience not laughing is nothing when your husband’s just told you he doesn’t love you any more. Sarah Millican
But from my very first gig I’ve always been pretty filthy, but that’s why we have an age restriction. And I make sure that the quotes on the poster say it’s going to be a bit rude. Sarah Millican
You’d expect the third time you do Live at the Apollo to be easier, easier peasier, a doddle. Like riding a bike. Except I can’t ride a bike so that analogy has always been lost on me. Sarah Millican
I’m always a bit late, but I don’t mind that, because it means that whoever I’m meeting is already there. Sarah Millican
I’ve written four jokes ever about cakes. But because they were show jokes, they were on the telly a lot. And everywhere I go people give me cupcakes. I don’t eat them, I give them away. Sarah Millican
I think life is full of moments. And it’s important to remember those moments. Take a mental snapshot if you can. For me, they are either when I feel truly happy or a standout moment in my career. Sarah Millican
I am very new to cooking. At school, our home economics lessons were very poor. We were told to pick a recipe and then cook it. So no actual teaching involved then. Sarah Millican
I was obsessed with films as a kid and so recorded as many as I could. I spent all my pocket money and any money earned by doing extra chores on blank videos for my burgeoning cinema. Sarah Millican
I used to help my maternal grandad in his garden. He was a lovely, kind man. He turned his spare bedroom into a greenhouse because he didn’t have room in the garden, and I remember rows of polythened plants stuffed in there. Sarah Millican
It’s best, I think, to treat stand-up comedy on the telly like tapas: small tasters of something you’d love a proper plate of. Sarah Millican
For someone who is rarely on time, my body clock always knows when it’s too early to go to bed and I just lie there in the dark like I’m hiding. Sarah Millican
My sister saved me from drowning. I shouted at her because she pulled me out of the pool and hurt my arm. Sarah Millican
My dad is a storyteller. I’ve heard his funny stories 500 times, but I would never stop him because he tells them so brilliantly and still knows where to put the funny bit. Sarah Millican
Fancy expensive designer shops are out for me as I’m a size 18, sometimes 20, and I therefore do not count as a woman to them. Sarah Millican
Food recommendations are a must, but be careful. A friend went to a cafe I’d suggested and got food poisoning. Sarah Millican
I’d hate to live where people knew my history. I love familiarity on holiday but not at home, as I’m sure my neighbours would testify – if I’d ever met them. Sarah Millican
I try to cover three food groups at breakfast. I see that as a licence to eat rubbish for the rest of the day. Touring equals a lot of sandwiches. Sarah Millican
Being a comedian is harder if you can’t drive. You can’t take last-minute gigs as easily, because the on-the-day train ticket is your whole fee, if not more. Getting a lift off someone you’ve never met is normal, but still odd. Sarah Millican
There is something liberating and defiant about going on stage and saying you are 36 and 13 stone. Sarah Millican
Well, I have to say, I used to spend a lot of time looking at cat videos on the internet. It’s like YouTube have sent me an e-mail asking if I’m alright because I haven’t been on in ages. Sarah Millican
If I write a joke and it works, and it works consistently, that is gold to me. Sarah Millican
If you look at a bill of comics at a comedy club they spread the women out over the months because there aren’t that many women doing it. Sarah Millican
I like to think that I listen to Classic FM while domestic goddessing and, truth be told, I often do, but you know sometimes classical music can get a bit hectic and I just want to turn all the violins right down. That’s when I pop the telly on. Sarah Millican
And you can be in real danger of judging people based on their reactions to what you love. If I recommend ‘Modern Family’ to someone and they return saying it wasn’t for them, I finish their sentence with ‘cos I hate brilliantly written and hilarious sitcoms.’ Sarah Millican
There’s so much to see and do in Austrailia, but a lot of it is outside so I’ve ben immersing myself in their telly. Sarah Millican
My humour is a mix of my parents’. I get the chatty, anecdotal stuff from my dad and the filth from my mam, Valerie. She has a very dark sense of humour, I think from having grown up with disabilities. It’s a coping mechanism. She had polio when she was eight and has been in a wheelchair for about 20 years. Sarah Millican
I once kissed a boy at my first job because he offered to record the Oscars for me. Sarah Millican
I’m very protective of my material. And you have to be, because it’s very easy for people just to steal jokes. Sarah Millican
When I was a kid, I had a friend who went on holiday to the same place every year and I never understood why. My ten-year-old eyes always wanted new things to look at – new branches of WH Smiths to look for Sweet Valley High books in, and different campsites or self-catering cottages to explore. Sarah Millican
I was shy at school, but not at home. We had a boiler that had tiles around it, so if my sister and I got new shoes we’d do a little tap dance on the tiles. I also wrote poems but would read them from behind a curtain. Sarah Millican
I tell the audience bits of my rude life on stage so they don’t mind telling me bits of theirs. Sarah Millican
The telly’s almost always on. It’s how I wind down after a show. It’s how I relax on a rare night off. It educates me, entertains me and makes a hotel room feel a lot more cosy. Sarah Millican
For people who’ve never seen me before, some of my material is quite a surprise. I look like your sister or neighbour, and then I come out with something quite dark or shocking, and it’s so unexpected. Sarah Millican
I am a comedian. You may or may not find me funny, but the fact remains, that I am a comedian. Sarah Millican
I’m not interested in the what-do-you-do-for-a-living questions. Sarah Millican
My natural way is when I’m live; I’m like that in natural conversation as well, a bit filthy. Sarah Millican
I’ve never made a secret of the fact that I love watching telly. I write this column about it and have made three TV series about it, too. Sarah Millican
When I’m on tour, telly-watching happens at unusual times for me. After a hotel breakfast, I generally catch up on ‘Homes Under Hammer’ and ‘This Morning’, while replying to emails and dozing slightly. A full belly will do that to a woman. Sarah Millican
As I ran out of grandparents at the age of 16, the only time I ever see old folk is when I’m over-taking them on a motorway, they’re in my audience laughing at filth, or in any park. Sarah Millican
I feel like it’s my responsibility not to lose weight, to be honest. I’m a bright, successful woman who isn’t stick-thin. Sarah Millican
It’s not enough for something to be popular; it has to be good. Sarah Millican
I’ve just realised that I lean towards telly that features people of a similar age to me. That’s a bit weird, isn’t it? I watch soaps with casts of all ages because there are at least three or four people in my age band. Somehow it’s fine if they’re a murderer as long as they’re not a young one. Sarah Millican
When you look out at somewhere like Hammersmith Apollo and all those people have come just to see you on that night, it’s overwhelming. You can’t rest on your laurels. This tour’s got to be better than the last one because I want people to come to the next one. Sarah Millican
My sister tells people that we’re all funny in our family, but I’m the only one who gets paid for it. Sarah Millican
To say I’ve never seen ‘The Jeremy Kyle Show’ would be a lie. I once woke up too early in a hotel and put the telly on low to help me drift back off to sleep. Then woke up to such loud shouting that I thought the place was on fire. Sarah Millican
A lot of people think that being skinny is the happy ending, and it’s not. Being happy is the happy ending. Sarah Millican
There are no secrets. Everything gets mined for comedy. Sarah Millican
My entire book was typed with three fingers and a very confident space-bar thumb. Sarah Millican
Everything feels different on Christmas morning because there’s nobody about. And if they are, then they’re on a new bike. Sarah Millican
I’m in awe of actors, I think they’re amazing because, I don’t think I can even play me in anything. I’m really impressed when you see people like Chris Ramsey, John Bishop and Jason Cook. Just taking up comedy acting, let alone serious acting, terrifies me to the core. Sarah Millican
I’m old enough to remember the days when you actually missed your favourite programme. Missed it. And cried. Possibly because you were a child, but not always. Sarah Millican
There are a million reasons why I might not do well at a gig. But none of them are because I’m a woman. Sarah Millican
I’m a fan of the fly-on-the-wall-type documentary, even if I’m not particularly interested in the location of the wall. Sarah Millican
I’m not good in all emergencies. The frustration of an unopenable jar of jam can tip me over the edge, but at least I could use it adequately to cave in the heads of the undead. Sarah Millican
I’m a huge fan of ‘Glee’. Every episode I watch makes me that much happier, and I think it should be obligatory for all people to watch it. I just love the joy! Sarah Millican
At school I was the mousey one in the corner that nobody really liked. Sarah Millican
It seemed wrong to look forward to watching a man cut his arm off, and especially weird having dined at a carvery before going to the cinema, but Danny Boyle’s ‘127 Hours’ didn’t disappoint. Sarah Millican
In our family, when you have a part-time job you are then responsible for non-essential clothing. Glittery tops, skirts with tassels, clompy patent leather shoes that are the sensible girl’s version of stilettos. Sarah Millican