Welcome to the world of Bert Kreischer, a comedian known for his outrageous humor, charismatic storytelling, and unapologetic wit. If you’re a fan of stand-up comedy and enjoy a good laugh, you’re in the right place. On this page, we’ve curated a collection of some of the most memorable and hilarious Bert Kreischer quotes. Whether you’re looking for some comedic inspiration, want to relive your favorite moments from his performances, or simply need a good laugh, these quotes are here to entertain and amuse you. Feel free to copy them, share them with friends, or get creative by placing them on images and enhancing them with stylish fonts. So, get ready to dive into the world of Bert Kreischer’s humor, and let the laughter begin!
I can talk fantasy football forever! Bert Kreischer
My personality has gotten me some really good job interviews in New York. Bert Kreischer
I’d love to be a movie star. That’d be great. But I lost the looks awhile ago. They slipped right through my hands like sand in an hourglass. Bert Kreischer
Don’t hole up in your apartment and just write jokes, be a real human being and develop your own voice. Then you will be undeniable. Bert Kreischer
I read some older books when I worked at Barnes And Noble, like some of the American classics. I read a lot of Hemingway. I fell in love with Hemingway’s prose and with the way he wrote. I feel like he’s talking to me, like we’re in a bar and he’s not trying to jazz it up and sound smart, he’s just being him. Bert Kreischer
I was in an ESPN interview and was asked, ‘Who would I most want to ride a roller coaster with?’ and I said Warren Sapp because every time he giggles, you can hear there’s a little girl inside of him. I called him a little girl, and he found me on Twitter and was like, ‘Are you the Bert who called me a little girl?’ I was like, ‘Oh, great!’ Bert Kreischer
I’m a big believer in saying things out loud, I think he that helps you focus your goals. Bert Kreischer
My father grew up in Levittown, L.I., in the first tract housing built for G.I.’s. His dad had stormed the beaches of Omaha and died when my father was very young. My dad had to raise himself, pretty much. Bert Kreischer
I’m not technically brand-friendly to feminists. Bert Kreischer
Part of my personality is I like to have a good time and I’m an extrovert, and extroverts, they blossom as meathead frat boys and extroverts get labeled as meathead frat boys. For me, it’s just part of my personality. Bert Kreischer
I generate a lot of good vibrations, good energy. Bert Kreischer
There’s nothing like making a crowd laugh. For me that’s the ultimate high. Bert Kreischer
When I was on ‘Hurt Bert’ on FX – and I’m not crapping on FX, I’m just being honest – there was a point when I realized that they didn’t care if I died. If I died, they’d say ‘Of course it’s a legal thing, but think of the numbers.’ Bert Kreischer
There are days where I’m like, ‘Oh, my God, I’m so happy I’m living the life I’m living.’ Bert Kreischer
I like parties. I like talking and conversations. Bert Kreischer
I’ve always clowned around. Bert Kreischer
The first and last song I ever wrote was a ballad I was quite proud of, and one I would play for anyone, anywhere. Bert Kreischer
I like comics like Janeane Garofalo who is very stream of conscious in an honest way. Bert Kreischer
I like making people laugh. Bert Kreischer
I’d love to write a book called ‘How to Raise a Virgin.’ Seriously, I think a book about that would sell. Bert Kreischer
My whole life I’ve wanted to be famous. Bert Kreischer
My biggest regret is by far doing the Travel Channel show, ‘Bert the Adventurer.’ I spent seven years away from my family. I don’t regret the job or working for the channel; I regret being away from home. Bert Kreischer
I’ve learned to control my anxiety. Bert Kreischer
I love partying and I love laughing. Bert Kreischer
I love giggling more than anything in the world. It’s my favorite thing in the world to do. Bert Kreischer
I have always liked being the life of the party. Bert Kreischer
I don’t have that kind of brain where I can spell-check. Bert Kreischer
I’m a comedian. I want you to laugh. That’s my main goal. I punch things up to get things tighter, quicker and get you to the joke faster. Bert Kreischer
Skydiving is fascinating, the best part is cruising in the air and realizing that the dice has been thrown and you’re either going to die or not. It’s a very helpless feeling but it’s so freeing. Bert Kreischer
I’m such a lazy traveler. When I go to a city now, I hang out around the venue. I’m boring. Bert Kreischer
Busch Gardens was my theme park; it was where I went on my day off from school. Bert Kreischer
I love going on other people’s podcasts – in my opinion not enough people ask me to be guests! Bert Kreischer
My second freshman year of college, that’s year two of seven, my father got very sick and though he was going to die. He gave me a Rolex, a bottom of the line one. I wore that watch everyday. He didn’t die. On my 40th birthday, he gave me a very nice Rolex that belonged to him. That’s the one thing we connect on: the watch. Bert Kreischer
When people think of New York, they don’t automatically think of going to Chelsea Piers and Pier 40, where you’re going to find a soccer field, a baseball field, the trapeze and bowling alleys. Bert Kreischer
I’m just kind of a regular guy. Bert Kreischer
You don’t go to a school and major in partying. Bert Kreischer
I say off-the-wall things to get a response. Bert Kreischer
I really respect those guys that get $250,000 for punching up scripts, because it’s an art form. Bert Kreischer
Men scream, that’s why they gave us voices. Bert Kreischer
I know the one thing that will reset my button is getting up and running a fast mile. Bert Kreischer
The Travel Channel named me the professional fun seeker, and that’s exactly what I am. Bert Kreischer
It’s not hard to find the energy to do the things you absolutely want to do. Bert Kreischer
I love touring. I love stand up. I love getting on a tour bus with my friends. Bert Kreischer
I’m the guy who needs to be front and center. I joined a fraternity to do that. Bert Kreischer
Here’s the weird thing about me. I was never one to tell you stories about me. I was always the guy who others told stories about. I was like that up until I was 35 years old. And then I started telling stories about me onstage. Bert Kreischer
I need someone to be like, ‘I can beat Bert in a marathon.’ And then my Mickey Mantle genes will kick in and I’ll start going, ‘No you can’t. You can’t beat me, because I’ll beat myself.’ Bert Kreischer
My favorite thing to do is just hang out at home and watch a movie with my wife and my two daughters. There’s nothing outrageous about that but it’s the best thing I can do. Bert Kreischer
If there’s an adrenaline rush, I will find it; if there’s an anxiety attack, I will have it. Bert Kreischer
Some of the most fun I’ve ever had has been filming ‘Bert the Conqueror.’ As a stand-up comedian, I love putting this humorous spin on travel, and I get the added bonus of using all these wild adventures in my act. Bert Kreischer
No matter how successful I may get, I’ll always be a failed musician, sitting at a concert double-fisting overpriced twenty-ounce beers, wishing it was me on stage brooding soulfully to my fans. I had my shot once, but I let it slip through my fingers. Bert Kreischer
People take getting offended in L.A. to an art form. Bert Kreischer
I was in New York City and my sister and cousin came out to see me, and I brought a guitar on stage. But all the audience wanted was for me to play so they weren’t listing to anything I was saying, I bombed hard. On the cab ride home, my sister pulled a sticker off the cab and put it on my guitar which I still have today in my man cave. Bert Kreischer
I did nine years with Travel Channel and had all of these incredible experiences. Bert Kreischer
My first stand-up experience was in Tallahassee at a club called Potbelly’s. Bert Kreischer
I adopted a motto: Never say no. Jim Morrison never said no, Kurt Cobain never said no. You couldn’t have great things to write about if all you did was sit in your living room with your roommates talking about the phone bill. Bert Kreischer
I get this weird energy that starts in my feet and goes up and fills my head, and I just want to get everyone in the crowd to laugh. Bert Kreischer
I think I’ve got the coolest friends in the entire world, I really do. Bert Kreischer
There is nothing that I’m more compelled to do than get up in front of a crowd and make people laugh. Bert Kreischer
I am not a big fan of very prepared standup. I like when Dave Attell writes and I appreciate it but I much more enjoy with he does crowd work. I’m not that kind of comic that prepares a specific set. If I see a comic do the same prepared set night after night I am so bored. Bert Kreischer
I grew up Catholic and still feel a lot of Catholic guilt. But my wife is not religious so we’re not raising our daughters religiously. Bert Kreischer
Doing a reality show is like being in a fraternity. Bert Kreischer
I run into guys all the time that say, ‘Me and my three buddies started fat shaming each other and we collectively lost 130 pounds.’ Bert Kreischer