Welcome to the realm of wit, wisdom, and irreverence encapsulated in the words of comedian Ari Shaffir. Known for his unabashed humor and fearless commentary on the absurdities of life, Ari Shaffir’s quotes are a delightful blend of satire, sarcasm, and unfiltered honesty. Whether he’s dissecting societal norms, poking fun at himself, or offering profound insights wrapped in comedic packaging, Shaffir’s words have a knack for leaving audiences both amused and contemplative.
With a career spanning stand-up comedy, podcasting, and television, Ari Shaffir has cultivated a distinct voice that resonates with audiences across the globe. His unique perspective, often rooted in personal experiences and observations, challenges conventional thinking and encourages listeners to question the status quo. From the mundane to the controversial, Shaffir fearlessly navigates the spectrum of human experiences, infusing each observation with his trademark blend of humor and insight.
Below, you’ll find a curated collection of Ari Shaffir’s most memorable quotes, ready to be shared, pondered, or immortalized in creative formats. Whether you’re seeking a laugh, a moment of introspection, or simply a dose of unapologetic truth, Shaffir’s words are sure to leave an impression. So, dive in, explore, and discover the world through the eyes of Ari Shaffir.
Stage fright is a real thing. It’s debilitating to some people. Ari Shaffir
Failing is part of my process. A new bit never works the first time. I figure I have to bomb 7 times to make it good. So I tweak it. Ari Shaffir
No astronauts look like George Clooney. Ari Shaffir
I love gummy bears, pretzels of all kinds, popcorn, Doritos – those are all healthy snacks. Ari Shaffir
That anonymity that comes with talking in front of a crowd of people you’ve never met allows you to reveal anything, because you don’t really have to associate with any one of them. Ari Shaffir
I worked for the Comedy Store as an employee trying to become a paid regular. I had this dream of achieving a half hour special on TV. Ari Shaffir
If you like a conversational style of comedy, if you like comedy that’s a little dangerous, I’m your guy. Ari Shaffir
Sometimes I start off shows by explaining to people that it’s just a bunch of stories – I always say ‘It’s like standup, just less funny.’ Ari Shaffir
I was on the outside of the industry. So I started a podcast early in the podcast boom and that caught on a little. I made an album that went to No. 1 on the iTunes charts. I made my own special. I started my own storytelling show. Ari Shaffir
I’m just a weird mix of immature and intelligent and I like to share my point of view and who I am. Ari Shaffir
It’s all about the art. It’s not about getting on TV or not getting on TV. Ari Shaffir
I genuinely like haggis. Everybody told me I was supposed to hate it, but I really did enjoy it. Ari Shaffir
The only threat is a growing pushback from militant liberals who seek to destroy free expression as they look to limit the speech of anyone who has feelings they find objectionable. It makes comics tentative to push boundaries and freely talk about the thoughts in their heads. That part is terrible for development. Ari Shaffir
I’m like an overgrown child! I don’t know how to do anything! Ari Shaffir
At The Comedy Store, night after night, the crowds are fuller. It used to be Tuesday at 9 you’d have to start with six people. Now you come in on Tuesdays and it’s 100-plus people and you’re like, ‘Really? On a Tuesday?’ Ari Shaffir
I have a running daydream about winning an Oscar and giving my speech about how ridiculous it is to rank art. And then I’d call them all sycophants and leave the statue at the podium as I walked away. Ari Shaffir
I get lost a lot. Ari Shaffir
I don’t vote and I don’t follow who’s trying to rule us. The revolution is coming. Until then, I’ll just watch ‘Game of Thrones.’ Ari Shaffir
Laughs, just laughs. It’s the only motivation of a comic. Ari Shaffir
I definitely recommend keeping frozen corn dogs in your freezer. Ari Shaffir
People get mad at bad comedy. Way more mad than at bad novels. Ari Shaffir
Being Orthodox Jewish is kind of like being raised on like network sitcoms. Ari Shaffir
I love doing my podcast, but it’s not my art form. I don’t have to work on it. It’s off the cuff. Ari Shaffir
I’m a bit of an introvert, so after talking for an hour and then shaking hands and taking pictures with the people who came out, I kind of need to be alone for a bit to get away from all stimuli. Ari Shaffir
I never had good grades until I dropped out of religion. And then suddenly, my grades went up. Ari Shaffir
I hate being rejected. Ari Shaffir
Early on, I had a girlfriend come see me, and she was like, ‘Yeah, it was good, but you were funny at a dining hall at the University of Maryland.’ That’s when I realized I was contrived. I was reciting jokes. So I really worked on – no matter what – sounding like I was just talking to the people. Ari Shaffir
The worst is when you bomb and when you bomb in front of someone you’re trying to impress. That’s the worst. Ari Shaffir
If I focus solely on developing new material, then I can get a new 45 minute to an hour in about six months. Then I’ll work on it and work on it and can make it killer within another six months or so. Ari Shaffir
I’m not intentionally dirty. It just kind of happens. It’s not like I’m a shock comic who’s looking to walk people. Ari Shaffir
I’m a cultural Jew, I was raised with it, so I’m still into it, like gefilte fish with kugel. Ari Shaffir
I’ve fallen asleep at red lights before. Not like passed out, but like I’ve put the parking break on and reclined my seat and taken a nap. Ari Shaffir
I used to get a lot of death threats. After a while I realized that no one’s gonna do anything or they would’ve. Ari Shaffir
No one’s telling Tarantino what to do. You might like it or you might not like it, but the reality is he’s getting his own vision out there. Ari Shaffir
When people tell me to do a clean show, I’m like, ‘Guys, I don’t even understand your thoughts anymore.’ What, you can’t say a curse word? Nobody thinks that way! Ari Shaffir
My father said that I was lower than a dog, because even a dog believes in God. Ari Shaffir
Very rarely are you going to see a story about a comic winning a fight. Yeah we’re all degenerates in some way and we’re all awful people, so we just show our weaknesses. Ari Shaffir
I know how lazy I am. So if I have to go somewhere else I can’t get to easily, I talk myself out of it. Ari Shaffir
I’m pretty much only friends with comedians. Ari Shaffir
Get out of people’s way and let them be who they are. If they make a mistake, fine, that’s on them. Ari Shaffir
The Comedy Store is my home! Ari Shaffir
As long as you have your own apartment and you can pretty much make rent for the next year, you’re golden! Ari Shaffir
I’m not as much a fan of the venues as I am the comics who inhabit them. I don’t care if it’s a bomb shelter, a bus, or a theater, if I’m watching somebody who makes me laugh, I’m down. Ari Shaffir
I’ll just walk around New York and watch people on the streets. Ari Shaffir
To me, every time it goes badly I see it as a good thing – because that means I’m one step closer to where I want to be. Ari Shaffir
My CD, my first release, was at the Comedy Works in Denver, one of the best clubs in the country. Ari Shaffir
I grew up so conservative. I grew up as an orthodox Jew. Ari Shaffir
The fact that I didn’t believe in God was something that I just didn’t consider. And then when I did, it was like, ‘Oh yeah, I’m out.’ Ari Shaffir
It’s not like I have campaigns, I don’t want to be an activist or anything. Ari Shaffir
Figure out a way to get back onstage because once you do it a few times you’ll get over it. Unless it’s like a clinical thing. I don’t know about clinical like stage fright, that might be worse than what I’m talking about. But if it’s normal stage fright get over it. Ari Shaffir
I got an award for Most Improved Player for volleyball in tenth grade that I cared about a lot. Ari Shaffir
When Joe Rogan started his podcasts he’d have me, Joe Diaz, and all our friends help him for the first few. And I told him ‘Dude, no one will listen to audio that’s over an hour long. You’ve got to end it at 59:59 or less.’ And I was way wrong. Ari Shaffir
I lived with my parents until I was 25. Ari Shaffir
Once I started getting more successful, I just stopped caring completely – ‘I’ll just do exactly what I want. It doesn’t matter.’ Ari Shaffir
Being Jewish is a culture and a religion; we have food, music, and land specific to us. Ari Shaffir
Bill Burr, Freddy Soto, Joe Rogan, Tom Segura… those people influenced me a lot more than any of the older guys like Richard Pryor. Ari Shaffir
I want to do a travel book. Ari Shaffir
You just gotta record stuff and move on and make new material. Painters don’t wait until they’re in some specific gallery before they move on to the next painting. Ari Shaffir
Leonard Cohen kept his Jew name. He’s so cool. It’s too bad he died. Ari Shaffir
Everyone in L.A. talks about getting an agent or a manager in terms of getting on a sitcom or getting on a movie or doing something else. Ari Shaffir
One thing I hate in ethnic comedy is giving the audience the opportunity to laugh in a racist way at a thing. A lot of times dwarf comedians will do that, Arab comics, and gay comics will do it; everyone is laughing, but they’re not laughing at the joke, they’re laughing at this crazy character. Ari Shaffir
I think you’re a comedian as soon as you start. I don’t think there’s a moment where you become a full comic. Ari Shaffir
Marc Maron yells at people. I have a memory of him yelling at Jonah Ray from offstage about something he was saying, just fun stuff. Ari Shaffir
I was playing basketball, and I had hemorrhoids in high school. Ari Shaffir
The biggest thing I lost when I left religion was that sense of community and the culture. It was an unexpected kind of free-falling. When I was in it, I didn’t understand how much the community was a part of my life. Ari Shaffir