Welcome to the world of laughter and wit! If you’re in need of a good chuckle or just a dose of humor to brighten your day, you’ve landed on the perfect page. Funny Quotes is your one-stop destination for a collection of humorous and light-hearted quotes that are sure to tickle your funny bone. Whether you’re looking for some clever quips, witty one-liners, or comical insights, you’ll find them all right here.
Our curated selection of funny quotes covers a wide range of topics and situations, making them suitable for various occasions. Whether you want to share a laugh with friends, add a touch of humor to your social media posts, or simply enjoy a good laugh on your own, these quotes are at your disposal. Feel free to copy them, use them to create hilarious memes, place them on images, or enhance them with stylish fonts to share the laughter with the world. Scroll down to explore the delightful world of funny quotes, and let the laughter begin!
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. Groucho Marx
If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three. Laurence J. Peter
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. Don Marquis
There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory. Josh Billings
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month. Theodore Roosevelt
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. Hedy Lamarr
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. Winston Churchill
It’s simple, if it jiggles, it’s fat. Arnold Schwarzenegger
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. Buddy Hackett
Life is hard. After all, it kills you. Katharine Hepburn
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. Henry Kissinger
Men are only as loyal as their options. Bill Maher
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Steve Martin
Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race. H. G. Wells
I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time. Charles M. Schulz
Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life. Brooke Shields
Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese. Luis Bunuel
What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise. Jerome K. Jerome
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. Mike Myers
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. Mae West
If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner. Tallulah Bankhead
Society is like a stew. If you don’t stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top. Edward Abbey
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. Thomas Sowell
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. Margaret Mead
I don’t deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it. Flannery O’Connor
Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. Robert Orben
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. Terry Pratchett
Food is an important part of a balanced diet. Fran Lebowitz
What’s another word for Thesaurus? Steven Wright
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. Mel Brooks
Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax. Charles Kettering
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. Jay Leno
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often. Oliver Herford
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. Joey Adams
Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse. Thomas Szasz
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. Elbert Hubbard
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. George Bernard Shaw
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts. E. B. White
I have never been hurt by what I have not said. Calvin Coolidge
Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long. Ogden Nash
A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore. Yogi Berra
My life needs editing. Mort Sahl
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeneres
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. Chris Rock
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. Fred Allen
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. Mark Twain
By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out. Richard Dawkins
Only the mediocre are always at their best. Jean Giraudoux
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. Woody Allen
Memories are like mulligatawny soup in a cheap restaurant. It is best not to stir them. P. G. Wodehouse
I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women. Louis XIV
All men are equal before fish. Herbert Hoover
Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again. Robert A. Heinlein
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. Jane Wagner
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. Benjamin Franklin
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. Anthony Burgess
If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster. Clint Eastwood
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. Ron White
We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know. W. H. Auden
If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life. Henry David Thoreau
No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. Abraham Lincoln
The superfluous, a very necessary thing. Voltaire
Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. Alexander Woollcott
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. Casey Stengel
I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. Billy Connolly
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. Joe E. Lewis
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. W. C. Fields
I went window shopping today! I bought four windows. Tommy Cooper
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. Zsa Zsa Gabor
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. Warren Buffett
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. P. J. O’Rourke
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. George Carlin
The best measure of a man’s honesty isn’t his income tax return. It’s the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. Arthur C. Clarke
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. Douglas Adams
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. Jules Renard
If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me. Alice Roosevelt Longworth
The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around. Thomas A. Edison
I have an unfortunate personality. Orson Welles
We owe to the Middle Ages the two worst inventions of humanity – romantic love and gunpowder. Andre Maurois
Until you walk a mile in another man’s moccasins you can’t imagine the smell. Robert Byrne
I can resist everything except temptation. Oscar Wilde
Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn. Hesiod
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat. Will Rogers
Miami Beach is where neon goes to die. Lenny Bruce
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns
If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. Henny Youngman
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Lana Turner
I’d like to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair. Bette Davis
One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening. Franklin P. Jones
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. Albert Einstein
I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don’t believe I deserved my friends. Walt Whitman
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. H. L. Mencken
One picture is worth 1,000 denials. Ronald Reagan
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? Robin Williams
As I get older, I just prefer to knit. Tracey Ullman
An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out. George Jean Nathan
He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow. George Eliot
We are all born mad. Some remain so. Samuel Beckett